Forgiveness is the practice of letting go of the suffering caused by Air Max Running Shoes Black Friday someone else's wrongdoing (or even our own). It does not mean excusing, overlooking, forgetting, condoning, or trivializing the harm or jumping to a premature or superficial reconciliation; it doesn't necessarily require reconciliation at all. Instead, it involves changing our relationship to an Air Max 2011 Shoes Black Friday offense through understanding, compassion, and release. Two decades of social psychology research have repeatedly demonstrated the emotional, physical, and social benefits of forgiveness. True forgiveness repairs relationships and restores inner well-being. Yet we often find it hard to let go, forgive, and move on. According to research, even when we can feel compassion and empathy for the person who harmed us, we can remain stuck in fear or hostility for days, months, even years. Why is something so good for us so hard to do? That's the questions Ian Williamson at New Mexico Highlands University and Marti Air Max 2012 Black Thursday Gonzales at the University of Minnesota have explored through research on the psychological impediments to forgiveness.
In a recent study published in the journal Motivation and Emotion, Air Jordans Shoes Black Friday Williamson, Gonzales, and colleagues identify three broad categories of "forgiveness aversion." Traditionally, ideas for helping one person to forgive another have implied either expanding one's empathy or compassion for the offender or "distancing," not taking things so personally. But their research on forgiveness aversion suggests another approach: Air Jordan 3 Black Thursday Forgiveness comes not necessarily by appealing to kindness or compassion but by addressing the victim's fears and concerns. Williamson and Gonzales' research suggests how to work with perceived risks to forgiveness and to move toward forgiveness in a safe and genuine way. Below I offer a brief tour of the three barriers to forgiveness, along with ways to overcome them, drawing on research and my own clinical experience with hundreds of couples and individuals. Understanding these barriers to forgiveness can be very useful to clinicians and to anyone who has ever struggled to forgive!in other words, most of us. The second block to forgiveness is "self-protection"!a fear, Air Jordan 5 Black Friday very often legitimate, that forgiveness will backfire and leave the person offering forgiveness vulnerable to further harm, aggression, violation of boundaries, exploitation, or abuse.
The first block is "unreadiness," which Williamson and Gonzales define as an inner state of unresolved Cheap Nike Air Max Mens Shoes emotional turmoil that can delay or derail forgiveness. People can feel stuck in a victim loop, ruminating on the wrongs done to them by another person or by life, and be unable to shift their perspective to a larger view, to find the meaning, purpose, lessons, and possibilities for change from the events. Who is most likely to experience unreadiness? Williamson and Gonzales found Air Max 2011 Mens Cheap that people's tendencies to be anxious and ruminate on the severity of the offending behavior reliably predicted an unreadiness to forgive. People showed more reluctance to move toward forgiveness especially when they held a fear that the offense would be repeated, How can we overcome the barrier of unreadiness? Williamson and Gonzales' research validates the folk wisdom that "time heals all wounds" and establishes the importance of not rushing the process, not coming to forgiveness too quickly. Certainly the passage of time is an important factor in helping people get some distance Air Max 1 Womens Sale Online from the initial pain, confusion, and anger; it helps the offender establish a track record of new trustworthy behavior and helps the victim reframe the severity of the injury in the larger context of the entire relationship.
Who is most likely to experience self-protection? Black Friday Air Jordans Retro People who have experienced repeatedly harmful behavior, and lack of remorse or apology for that behavior, are most likely to resist forgiving the offending party, according to the research by Williamson and Gonzales. In fact, they found that even the strongest motivation to forgive!to maintain a close relationship!can be mitigated by the perceived severity of the offense and/or by a perceived lack of sincere apology or remorse. Refusing to forgive is an attempt to re-calibrate the power or Black Friday Air Jordan 3 control in the relationship.According to their study, one of the hardest decisions people ever face about forgiveness is: Can I get my core needs met in this relationship? Or do I need to give up this relationship to meet my core needs, including needs for safety and trust? The ongoing behavior of the offender is key here. If the hurtful behavior continues, if any sense of wrongdoing is denied, if the impact of the behavior is minimized, if the recipient's sense of self continues to be diminished by another, or trust continues to be broken, or the victim continues to be blamed for the Air Jordan 4 Cheap Online offender's behavior!if someone experiences any or all of these factors, then forgiveness can start to feel like an impossible, if not a stupid, thing to do.
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